An impactful book on boundaries, but I’m not the target audience

J. Tayler Smith
Jan 10, 2023
5 min read

Reviewing Lisa Terkeurst's Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by J. Tayler Smith

My introduction to Lysa Terkeurst

My wife and I are both avid readers, constantly adding new books to our shelves. Whenever my wife adds a new book, I typically add it to my reading list. Recently, my wife added Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst to our shelves, so I naturally added it to my list of books to read. I was surprised to find it so highly rated and decided to read it sooner rather than later. It was my first time reading a book by Terkeust. It was my first time learning about Terkeurst herself and why she is a well-known author. So, I didn't know what to expect.

The book of boundaries

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes explores how people can have healthier relationships by establishing relational boundaries with their partners, family, and friends. Partway through reading the book, I learned that the author was writing from the experience of her painful divorce. Reading through this lens, I saw how Terkeurst uses the pain from her experience to help people develop more meaningful relationships. Her main message is that proper boundaries help a person discern whether a relationship is helpful or harmful - if harmful, she then discusses the importance of letting go. Through boundaries, a person invites others to choose between loving them by respecting the boundaries or harming them further; those who continue hurting the relationship effectively choose ending it. In Terkeurst’s words, “Boundaries protect the right kind of love and help prevent dysfunction from destroying that love. Boundaries help us say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and establish what is and isn’t acceptable.” The point of Good Boundaries and Goodbyes is to teach the reader that it is necessary to develop boundaries with one’s closest relationships.

The book consists of twelve chapters, each covering a nuanced thought or concern in establishing boundaries with the people one loves. However, Terkeurst’s writing style tends to create overlap between the subject matter in each chapter, making them hard to distinguish from each other. Nevertheless, a glance at the chapter titles instantly shows the reader what they can expect to learn from this book.

You Are Not Crazy (You can love them, but you can’t change them.)
Naming the Tension That We’ve All Been Wrestling With
It’s Not About the Problems, It’s About What the Problems Represent
God Takes Boundary Violations Very Seriously and So Should We
You Are Already Doing This Really Well
They May Never See Your Boundaries as a Good Thing
Just Because They Say It Doesn’t Mean You Have to Own It
Trying to Make Someone Else Happy Shouldn’t Be Your Definition of Healthy
What Am I So Afraid Of?
Can a Goodbye Ever Really Be Good?
I’m Not Walking Away, I’m Accepting Reality
A Million Little Funerals

A personal book that helps the reader

Early in the book, Terkeurst writes, “I’ll be with you as we trust God to lead us through every word and every step. And you’ll also hear from my Christian counsellor Jim Cress, who will weigh in with therapeutic insights throughout the book.” The book applies current best practices in therapy and relationship counselling to its subject matter. Additionally, it heavily relies on biblical teachings and narratives to help reinforce each point. Most of the book comes from Terkeurst’s personal experiences, and these outside sources support her main topics. Terkeurst does not present any false information; however, her interpretation of the Christian scriptures is sometimes questionable. (I don’t think it’s fair to say her interpretations are wrong. I only mean that someone could argue for a compelling interpretation that contradicts what Terkeurst sometimes.) Nevertheless, the book seems accurate in what it teaches and encourages the reader to learn.

Sometimes, the book feels as though it was written in haste; however, I also got the sense that a great deal of thought and consideration is behind these pages. From what I understand, only a handful of years have passed since Terkeurst’s traumatic marriage experience and divorce. With this in mind, it seems clear that she did write the book in a short amount of time. Nevertheless, Terkeurst’s thoughts feel well-developed, and her main point is clear. Yet, the details still tend to blend throughout the book. Overall, I finished the book with the impression that the author has valuable insight and experience to offer.

Terkeurst’s book is highly respectful of her faith and people. As a Christian author, Terkeurst constantly finds ways to work-in respect for God; this may turn away some readers, but this is perfectly acceptable for her target audience. Additionally, despite her experience, Terkeurst does not talk about people, spouses, or those who hurt her in a disrespectful way. Instead, she expresses hope that those who cause harm grow and find emotional healing. I came out of this book feeling hopeful for myself and others, and I think most other readers will have a similar experience.

I also got the sense from this book that Terkeurst is here to fight for her readers and their well-being. Early on, she states, “This isn’t a book about leaving people. It’s a book about loving people in the right and healthy ways. And it’s about communicating appropriate boundaries and parameters so that love can stay safe and sustainable.” Terkeurst does suggest that a person leave those who refuse to respect their boundaries, but this is a last resort. But overall, she encourages her readers to see worth in themselves and to fight for their relationships in healthy ways.

Despite the book seemingly being born out of her trauma, Terkeurst does not focus on her situation; she does not discuss any overly personal details, and she avoids painting anyone in a bad light. Instead, Terkeurst comes across like a therapist for whatever the reader is going through in their relationships. Terkeurst focuses on what’s happening inside the reader and helps them work through their experiences in a healthy way.

I’m not the target

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes is not the kind of book one necessarily goes out of their way to read for entertainment or enjoyment. It is for someone going through a hard time looking for answers. I was not in such a situation while reading it. I went into this book to see what was so significant about it. Simply put, I did not find it enjoyable because it is not designed to be an enjoyable read. Despite this not being the book's goal, others will still find it incredibly helpful.

As a whole, this book is okay. Some readers may find it incredibly empowering, but others - including myself - would get more out of other books on the same topic. I would only recommend this book to its target audience; for all others, I recommend Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, which covers the same material, but from a more logically driven perspective. Terkeurst’s book feels tailored to processing emotions and developing/maintaining close relationships (or letting them go). Cloud and Townsend write in a more instructional manner, first explaining what boundaries are, why they are important, and how they can be used as tools. I do not think Terkeurst is a poor author by any means, but she has a specific target audience in mind as she writes this book, and those outside of that group are less likely to be impacted by her words.

Those who really want the book will probably get the most out of it

I think Good Boundaries and Goodbyes is a good book, but I do not think it is a great one. However, this is because I am not the target audience, and I am not currently in a place where I am seeking to learn what Terkuerst here is teaching. Most other people who go out of their way to read this book will probably receive far more out of it than I did, which is what I recommend this book to those people. Therefore, in my own experience, I give this book five out of nine stars.